Maybe you don’t mind, because that’s the way of the world. Or maybe what you are trying to communicate is really important to you, and you wish your friend would just put down her phone for a moment, that your uncle would just let go of his clever idea, and they would really listen.
What does it mean to really listen? It means to give your full attention to the person who is speaking, even if she pauses for a moment to collect her thoughts. It means letting go of your own agenda and your own story to listen to the story of another. It even means setting aside what his/her story means to us, and asking “what does his story mean to him?”
When I was being trained as a spiritual director we practiced listening. The more we listened deeply to one another and experienced others listening deeply to us, I realized how rare and precious a gift this is. It seems like a small thing, but giving the gift of deep listening has a surprising power, a healing power.
Listening is a form of kindness, a form of generosity, but it is also an important spiritual practice. As the Christian Scriptures say “where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” I have noticed that when I am listening deeply, it does feel like a spiritual experience, it does feel like the spirit is present in that conversation with us. Have you ever experienced something like that?
I encourage you to try deep listening as a spiritual practice. You may find that when you do listen, you wonder if you should do more than just quietly nod and take in their story. We want to give advice. We want to tell them we understand by offering a similar story from our own lives. We want to ask questions about things we are curious about. All those things are part of normal conversation in our culture. But they many not help the person who is sharing his or her story feel heard.
For example: a friend tells you she had a rough day at work. You sense she is upset about this. So you put down what you are doing, and let her know you want to hear more, with your presence and your words -- “Wow, that sounds like a rough day. What happened?” When she gets done telling you about the mean thing her boss said, you might be tempted to give advice --“You need to get a new job” or “have you talked to HR about that?” You might be tempted to begin your own story -- “that’s just like this one place I worked years ago” or to ask questions that lead her away from her story “Do they still make widgets? I always wondered what you do with a widget.” Instead try saying something that shows you really heard her such as “it sounds like your boss really hurt your feelings when she said that” or even just “I’m sorry that happened to you.” And here’s an advance technique- allow a moment or two of silence before you say anything at all. You can listen just as deeply to a silence as you can to words.
It’s as simple as that. Just listening, and letting the other person know you heard them. And yet it is a rare thing to experience in our culture. I often forget to do it- so caught up am I in all the related stories from my own life that I want to tell. But when I remember I have found deep listening it to be one of the most profound spiritual practices I know.
