Imperfection

Pretty much everyone agrees that humans aren’t perfect. We know this, but still it drives us nuts. Let me speak for myself- I hate not being perfect. I hate that as I sat drinking my morning coffee and thinking back over a meeting I attended last night it occurs to me that I was probably brusque, opinionated and even a little demanding. I have this idea that as a minister I should always be kind, and patient and more interested in other people’s opinions than my own, but as I think back, I fell short of that mark last night. The perfectionist in me has gotten hold of these shortcomings and kept poking at me all morning like a bully on a playground. Finally I faced my inner perfectionist and said “hold it mister, It’s not like I was mean, or rude, or even off topic. I showed up, just as I am, and contributed what I was able to contribute.”

The perfectionist in me imagines a perfect self, holds the real me up in comparison, and usually finds the real me wanting. It’s almost like that imaginary me is more important than the real one. Shouldn’t someone committed to the spiritual journey be perfectly compassionate, patient and giving? Actually, no. No matter how hard we strive, we are still going to be human. Though we may have moments that come close to our vision of how we want to be, mostly we will fall short. If we get too attached to that vision, it keeps us from seeing ourselves as we truly are. We say things like “I wasn’t myself last night” or “that wasn’t me.” Which is funny because there I was, mind body and spirit. Once I give in to the reality of my human imperfection, I can shoot a note off to the chair apologizing for my impatience. Once I really feel the discomfort of that distance between who I am and who I want to be I can sit with that discomfort in prayer, see where it is leading me, change the things I am able to change, and then move on.

One of the lessons I learn over and over -- one of the hardest things to believe on this spiritual journey -- is that God loves me now, as I am, even when I’m impatient. Some part of me believes that really God’s love has to do with that imaginary vision of myself, but the great religious teachers tell us that actually God loves us right now, in this moment, just as we are. That is where the human and the divine meet- in this present moment. God knows we are human. God knows humans aren’t perfect. So the spiritual journey is not about trying to be perfect and failing, the journey is about allowing God’s love into our hearts as often as we are able. When I open my heart to love, I am better able to embody that love in the world. When I am trapped in judgmental perfectionism, that is what I tend to embody in the world. The Journey is about opening ourselves to the spirit not just in the beautiful times when all seems right with the world, but especially in the messy, embarrassing, judgmental, imperfect, human moments of our lives when we need God the most. And when we forget, when we noticing that our inner perfectionist is shutting us down, closing off God’s love, closing off the spirit, that’s okay too. We’re human after all, and humans aren’t perfect. That love is always there when we are ready.