Each month I gather with other spiritual directors online for a time of silence, reflection and deep listening. One month a colleague entered the meeting a couple of minutes late, after we had already begun our silent mediation. When the silence had ended, she was flustered and asked our forgiveness for being late. One member of the group suggested that perhaps we should add to our group agreements that “one minute late is not late.” Another suggested we broaden it to “we will extend and receive grace.” The following month someone else had missed the time change of the meeting, and came in a whole hour late, thoroughly chagrined. I myself had done something similar at a meeting that week, and felt deep sympathy for her. We reminded each other of our agreement “we will extend and receive grace.” Because this is a group that has been meeting for several years, we have a deep trust, respect and affection for one another. When someone arrives late we don’t take that as disrespectful, but rather the sign that they are having a complicated day that is probably not going according to plan. We value our time together and the quiet ,peaceful time we create. It is much more important to me that each of us is fed by that meeting than arriving right at the top of the hour.
One of the unexpected silver linings of having to do so many things in new ways since the Pandemic is that we see each another make mistakes all the time. If you attend meetings on Zoom, even if you have lots of practice, at some point you are going to forget to mute yourself, or unmute yourself. At least once a week someone asks forgiveness for missing a meeting they had every intention of attending because they just forgot, or overslept, or wrote down the wrong time. It’s easier to understand and forgive quickly when I, myself, have made that exact mistake quite recently. Our shared experience of the pandemic has also made us rethink the notion that if you are sick you should power through and show up anyway. We are coming to see that even though it is disappointing when our friend, family, co-worker can’t come because they are sick, humans get sick and need time to get better.
Sometimes it’s not easy to let go of these mistakes and disappointments. It’s maddening to attend an online event where for whatever reason the sound or video is not working. It’s frustrating when your food delivery is later than promised. It’s discouraging when the person you had an appointment with doesn’t show up. We don’t have to pretend to be happy about it, but we can extend each other a bit of grace. We know that all our lives are complicated and stressful, and we too have received grace when we were late, were absent, or couldn’t get our technology to work.
Grace is not always what is called for in the moment- sometimes things need to be interrupted, a hard truth to be told, a boundary set or kept available – sometimes we have no spare goodwill to extend. We don’t have to extend grace to one another, that’s part of what Grace is all about. Grace is freely given, not earned. My dictionary says that the grace we extend one another is “courteous goodwill” and when we speak of the divine, grace is “free and unmerited favor” or “bestowal of blessings.” We use the same word to refer to someone who is graceful, who moves with ease. This is how it feels to be with people who extend grace to one another- we make smooth and easy our time together with that goodwill we freely give. That same quality abides when we receive grace—when we accept with that same goodwill and ease the gifts others have given, to smooth our way when we are late, or unmuted, or our battery runs out in the middle of a call. Grace is not always available, and so is worth cherishing with gratitude as a freely-given gift.
Call to mind times when you have noticed grace in yourself or in the world around you. Where and how is grace extended and received? This month as a spiritual practice I invite you to notice grace, wherever you find it – in yourself or in the world around you. Grace is not always available, and so is worth cherishing with gratitude as a freely-given gift.
