Am I doing this right?

At the end of a weekend-long retreat, we were invited to bring to mind a word or phrase arising out of our experience. I was surprised that this not-particularly- spiritual thought came to mind and felt like a hard-won piece of wisdom:

“Just because it doesn’t feel good, doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong.”

Sometimes prayer and meditation does feel great. When I sit down for quiet meditation, I often rise with a greater sense of peace. When I pour my heart out in prayer, sometimes I feel lighter, or more connected to the divine. But at this particular retreat, I felt a lot of things, and most of them weren’t lovely. I felt grumpy, I felt stuck, I felt sad. What was I doing wrong?

My son in the midst of a particularly difficult teething period

As kids we are raised with rewards and punishments. If you get good grades you get praise, if you get detention you get frowns, or maybe you get grounded. At work you might get a raise or a promotion if you are productive, you might get fired if you don’t meet your quota. I used to think my cavity-free history at the dentist was due to my virtue, until my friend who meticulously brushed her teeth 3 times a day had her 3rd root canal- it turns out her soft teeth were just genetic. She wasn’t being punished for “doing it wrong”; she was doing the best she could at being a person with soft teeth.

As we mature in our spiritual practices, we’ll notice that there is not always a direct relationship between what we do and how good we feel. A practice that may give us great peace one day might be colored by irritability and distractions the next. I felt apologetic, and judged myself harshly on those occasions, but as my retreat came to a close, I was relieved to realize that grumpiness is not a sign that the spirit has deserted us, or that our practice is not good enough. It is simply that we are humans, and we are capable of a vast spectrum of feelings. The spirit is with us in both the moments of bliss, and the grumpy moments of distraction.

I found this liberating; I had done all the things I could do, and still felt irritable, but when I realized that “just because it doesn’t feel good doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong” a weight lifted off my shoulders.

The other day my son was complaining of leg pain that we couldn’t explain. My husband remembered when he was a teenager he had mysterious growing pains. Growing is a good thing to do that doesn’t always feel good. Why do we feel horrible when we have the flu? Because our body is using so many resources to fight the virus. Healing is the right thing to do, but it doesn’t always feel good. Grieving is an incredibly important thing to do that doesn’t feel good. Standing up for yourself. Being present with someone who is suffering. Being open to unpleasant truth. All these things are really important parts of being alive, of being on the spiritual path. And none of them feel good.

Sometimes unpleasant feelings do call for a change in what we are doing. If you sat on your foot until it became numb, go ahead and move your foot. If you drank too much and have a hangover, you might make a note for the future. If you had words with someone and regret what you said, it’s probably time to seek reconciliation and forgiveness. But if you have opened your heart in meditation or prayer with honesty and integrity, if you have entered a spiritual practice where before there was always refreshing water and now it is dry, and you find yourself asking “what did I do wrong? Why don’t I feel comfort and solace?” I invite you to remember: “just because it feels bad doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong. ”

Judgement and blame don’t tend to bring us closer to peace, closer to the divine. Instead they seem to shut us down. If, as Jesuit Theologian Walter Burghardt suggests, contemplation is “the long loving look at the real” we are encouraged to stay with the unpleasant as well as the pleasant, without judgement, without guilt, because all of it is real. When it doesn’t feel good, try a long loving look at the reality you feel in that moment. Wherever you are, the spirit is there too.

What do you Want?

What do you want? If I had a magic wand and could give you your heart’s desire, right now, what would it be? This is actually a hard question for most of us. Even if you are healthy, if you have food to eat and a warm safe place to sleep at night, there is still a sense of wanting, of a desire for something more that haunts us human beings. There is a hunger in our hearts asking us for…what?

When I began my training as a Spiritual Director some years back, I thought of Spiritual practice as something I SHOULD do. If it seemed dry and boring, that was only as I expected it should be. Imagine my surprise when our teachers suggested we set aside those “shoulds” and instead follow our desire. Now I was raised to believe that each of us has inner wisdom that we should follow. But as human beings living in community, we all get the message, probably many times a day, that we should set aside our desires in order to fulfill our obligations to one another. Remember when you were little and wanted to be a ballerina, a pilot, a professional baseball player, a fireman? (What did you want when you were a child?) We are taught from a young age that to be a responsible adult we must set those desires and dreams aside and do something practical.

When folks come to me for spiritual direction they often confess, perhaps with some guilt or defensiveness, that they don’t have a regular spiritual practice. Why not? Because it would be boring and dry and they don’t have time for it anyway. But most people do have something that makes them come alive, that restores them when they are drained: an afternoon sailing, or walking through he woods. An evening by the fire with family or just pausing to wonder at a beautiful bird. How would you feel if I suggested that following your desire in these ways is a spiritual practice?

What if we believed, with The Rev. Arvid Straube that: “Prayer is simply being in touch with the most honest, deepest, desires of the heart.” What if we believed that feeling of desire is an invitation … an invitation to move into deeper relationship with oneself and with the oneness of all that is? What if our deepest desires come from the divine, lead us back to the divine? Is this some new heresy? Actually, St. Augustine, early church theologian, bishop and church father, described this kind of desire: “restless is the heart until it rest in thee.” He believed that we long for a closer relationship with the divine, that we all have a kind of spiritual hunger built in, and that we feel restless all our lives as we try to move into closer and closer relationship with the Spirit. This holy desire is found in the words of Mystics of many faiths. For example the Sufi poet Rum writes: “I once had a thousand desires. But in my one desire to know you all else melted away.”

To reacquaint ourselves with our own deepest desires, we have to first acknowledge that we are hungry. Sometimes admitting what we really desire is hard because getting it seems impossible. I want inner peace. I want justice for all people. I want to create something beautiful. I want to be part of something larger than myself. And most brazen of all… I want to experience my connection with the divine. When the world assures us that getting a new TV or a new car is a far more reasonable and realistic response to our hunger, one of the most important jobs of our spiritual practice is to “simply being in touch with the most honest, deepest, desires of the heart.”

What do you want? What do you REALLY want? And what would it feel like to honor and follow the part of you that knows?

What do we expect of this new year?

It is our tradition, as the year turns, to look back at the year we have completed, and to look forward to the year ahead. If we do this prayerfully, this can be a helpful perspective-taking, making sure that our life is in line with our ethics and values and passions. Perhaps we notice during our reflection the sense of fulfillment we experience spending time with family, and create an intention in the New Year to make room for that in our lives. If we notice our body needs more caring attention, and resolve to do the things our body is asking us for, that kind of clarity can be very helpful to bringing our lives into harmony and alignment.

The shadow side of this practice is that if we measure our lives against what “should have been” or what “should be” we may actually be creating more suffering. Our intentions, our expectations can be a great “north star” to guide our actions, but we must not lose touch with what is real in the present moment.

Imagine two meandering paths running alongside one another: sometimes parallel, sometimes crossing, and sometimes diverging widely. One is the story we are telling ourselves about how our life should go. The other line is our actual lived reality. I often don’t even notice how much I have my eyes glued to the path that represents my expectations; I am so invested in that path that when reality diverges, I will cling with all my might to the path of expectation, waiting for reality to meet my expectations, striving to bend reality back into union with my expectations.

Do you have some “what if” stories of where your life diverted from your expectations? “I always thought I’d own my own home?” or “I expected that my marriage would last forever” or “I never got that promotion I expected to get.” I confess that most of my life is not what I expected it to be, but I’ve found that the key is not to be fooled into thinking that the life I expected to be living is my real life that someday I will get back to. If I can’t commit myself to the life I am really living, I will miss many opportunities in the life I actually have.

Part of a prayerful new year’s practice can involve letting go of some of those “alternate paths” that never came to be. Sometimes this involves real grief as I let go of the opportunity I never took, the relationship that ended unexpectedly. But if I let go of the hope that the past will somehow change to meet my expectations, I can finally be available for the present I am really living, joining reality where it is.

Please don’t confuse reality with what I used to call “realism.” After being disappointed so many times, I cynically decided that I would always expect the worst, and then I could be presently surprised. This is just another kind of expectation. If we always expect the worst, we may be less disappointed by unpleasant experiences, but we may close ourselves off to what our heart really wants. Something beautiful and unexpected might happen, but our magic shell of expectations keeps us from being open to the experience.

What are your expectations in the New Year? Allow whatever pictures and feelings come to mind to arise, and just notice those expectations, give them a smile. Probably you are right about a lot of that, but inevitably reality will also contain something unexpected. As we enter the New Year, consider asking “what expectations do I have to let go of to make room for the self I really am, for the year I want to create for myself?” If we create an intention or resolution for the New Year, how do we keep that from becoming yet another new path to cling to?

As you move through this new year, I invite you to notice, with a non-judgmental compassionate awareness, when expectations and reality diverge. Each day we must start from the reality of our life and choose which path to take in every moment. Let us hold our expectations loosely where we are able, and look for opportunities to be present with reality as it is unfolding, because that is where life is.