What do we expect of this new year?

It is our tradition, as the year turns, to look back at the year we have completed, and to look forward to the year ahead. If we do this prayerfully, this can be a helpful perspective-taking, making sure that our life is in line with our ethics and values and passions. Perhaps we notice during our reflection the sense of fulfillment we experience spending time with family, and create an intention in the New Year to make room for that in our lives. If we notice our body needs more caring attention, and resolve to do the things our body is asking us for, that kind of clarity can be very helpful to bringing our lives into harmony and alignment.

The shadow side of this practice is that if we measure our lives against what “should have been” or what “should be” we may actually be creating more suffering. Our intentions, our expectations can be a great “north star” to guide our actions, but we must not lose touch with what is real in the present moment.

Imagine two meandering paths running alongside one another: sometimes parallel, sometimes crossing, and sometimes diverging widely. One is the story we are telling ourselves about how our life should go. The other line is our actual lived reality. I often don’t even notice how much I have my eyes glued to the path that represents my expectations; I am so invested in that path that when reality diverges, I will cling with all my might to the path of expectation, waiting for reality to meet my expectations, striving to bend reality back into union with my expectations.

Do you have some “what if” stories of where your life diverted from your expectations? “I always thought I’d own my own home?” or “I expected that my marriage would last forever” or “I never got that promotion I expected to get.” I confess that most of my life is not what I expected it to be, but I’ve found that the key is not to be fooled into thinking that the life I expected to be living is my real life that someday I will get back to. If I can’t commit myself to the life I am really living, I will miss many opportunities in the life I actually have.

Part of a prayerful new year’s practice can involve letting go of some of those “alternate paths” that never came to be. Sometimes this involves real grief as I let go of the opportunity I never took, the relationship that ended unexpectedly. But if I let go of the hope that the past will somehow change to meet my expectations, I can finally be available for the present I am really living, joining reality where it is.

Please don’t confuse reality with what I used to call “realism.” After being disappointed so many times, I cynically decided that I would always expect the worst, and then I could be presently surprised. This is just another kind of expectation. If we always expect the worst, we may be less disappointed by unpleasant experiences, but we may close ourselves off to what our heart really wants. Something beautiful and unexpected might happen, but our magic shell of expectations keeps us from being open to the experience.

What are your expectations in the New Year? Allow whatever pictures and feelings come to mind to arise, and just notice those expectations, give them a smile. Probably you are right about a lot of that, but inevitably reality will also contain something unexpected. As we enter the New Year, consider asking “what expectations do I have to let go of to make room for the self I really am, for the year I want to create for myself?” If we create an intention or resolution for the New Year, how do we keep that from becoming yet another new path to cling to?

As you move through this new year, I invite you to notice, with a non-judgmental compassionate awareness, when expectations and reality diverge. Each day we must start from the reality of our life and choose which path to take in every moment. Let us hold our expectations loosely where we are able, and look for opportunities to be present with reality as it is unfolding, because that is where life is.