Prioritizing Presence

For several years I’ve been part of a reflection group with other spiritual directors. At our first gathering we talked about what we wanted out of our time together and someone suggested we “prioritize quality of presence” when we were together. Everyone agreed- our priority was not getting a lot done, or even learning new things, but being fully present with one another so that we would feel supported and heard. Each month as we begin our gathering the quality feels a bit different: some months we are tired and energy is low, some months we are all busy and overwhelmed. Then we remember what we want our time together to feel like- loving, contemplative, caring. No matter how we feel as the gathering begins, by the end of our time we have found that quality together. I would even say that the quality of presence we hold for one another feels sacred. That is why we come back, month after month, year after year.

Imagine you have built a guest room in your house. It has a comfy bed, a sunny window with a lovely view. You make up the bed and even put a chocolate on the pillow, but chances are if you don’t invite our family and friends, it will most likely remain empty. If we want companionship, we have to invite that into our lives. Moreover, we can all probably remember an unpleasant visit to a place that was orderly and clean. Yes, a lovely guest room will definitely encourage guests to return, and increase their comfort while they visit, but that warm feeling of “home” comes not from a good floor-plan, but from those subtle qualities we feel while we are in it- safety, love, connection. If we don’t fill our homes with love and connection and caring, there is no premium bedding that can create those feelings for us.

When I was a new minister, I worked hard on creating well thought out well written sermons, and did lots of research, but sometimes my best planned services would fall flat. I would say now that they were hollow, like a beautiful house that no one lives in. The sermons felt flat because I didn’t put myself into them, my heart, my spirit. A teacher once told me “if you want the spirit in your life, you have to invite the spirit into your life.” If I want to feel compassion and support, the best thing I can do is invite the qualities of compassion and support into this moment.

Now when I am at a gathering of any kind that doesn’t feel right, I ask myself -- what is my quality of presence? Am I distracted and scattered, or am I cultivating a quality of presence that feels good? Instead of bustling about the proverbial kitchen stressed about making a perfect feast, anxious that each dish be perfect, and assuming that once the feast is on the table I will feel peaceful and content because my work is done, I imagine what it feels to be truly welcomed as a guest, the kind of hospitality that makes you feel safe and welcome and cared for, and cultivate that quality with the same priority as the main course. Because in fact that quality of hospitality is the main course.

“If you want the spirit in your life, you have to invite the spirit.” We are used to thinking that happiness or peace or enlightenment will come when we have made conditions right, when our life is orderly and successful. As if the spirit wouldn’t be with us if we were sad, or discouraged, or confused. If feeling supported and inspired is what I need, I let go of everything my scattered attention has caught, and just be present -- be the thing I am hungry for.

If there is some quality you are craving in your life, I encourage you to invite it into your life right now, without waiting to achieve your goals, or creating the perfect space. Prioritize that quality of presence, invite that quality you most need into your life. Not every guest comes when we invite them, but a gracious invitation is always a good place to begin.